Loss and Coping

I just talked to you.

You were my go-to person to share my day with, share my worries with, and share life’s experiences with.

And then…

You were gone, and there was nothing I could do.

***

In this lifetime, we will all lose a loved one at some point. This is a sad truth. Indeed, we have multiple people walk out of our lives, but when someone’s life ends–it hurts just a little bit more because we know for a fact that they will not return–no matter how much we grovel and beg and wish.

Moving on. Coping. Letting go.

It’s easier said than done. And I will be perfectly honest. My loss was recent, and I have yet to move on. But here’s what I’m doing to cope.

I’m allowing myself to be truthful with myself, and to take the time to be sad. I don’t expect to bounce back tomorrow and be happy. I’m not.

I’m allowing myself to slowly accept the truth that my loved one will not be walking through the door any time soon. I accept that I will never hear their voice again, will never be able to laugh with them, will never be able to sit down at the kitchen table and share a meal.

I am also allowing myself to be productive in whatever form I can be. Focus on school, focus on the people who are still here, focus on the opportunities that await me.

I can choose to wallow, which is perfectly fine, but I must also realize that I have to keep going. When we lose people, the rest of the world does not stop for us. It continues, even if we ourselves feel like we are stuck.

All I can do is keep my loved one’s memory in my heart, and know that a part of them will always be with me, no matter where I end up in life, simply because I had the honor of experiencing life with them when they were still around.

Anxiety and Love

I’m sorry that I cannot say “I love you” easily.

I can write it. And I can put every fiber of my being into showing it. But I cannot say the words on command.

Please know that this doesn’t mean I do not feel immense emotion towards you. Please know that it doesn’t mean you’re secretly worthless to me. Please know that I am just hesitant, by nature.

I feel things very strongly–strongly to the point where I overthink every little thing. And something that seems as simple as “I love you” is not so simple for me.

If I do say it, know that I mean it. Know that it took everything out of me to say. Know that it will probably take me days to recover from building up the courage to say it aloud.

For those of whom I harbor the most love for,

My family, my friends, and those who are destined to walk into my life in the future…

I love you.

But don’t expect me to say it too often.

Open Letter Challenge: Day Two: A Letter to Yourself as a Child

You’re 22 now.

You’re still the shy girl that you were as a child, but you’re more accepting of that trait. You’re still just trying to figure out the people and things around you. You have learned to push aside the negative insults that people spew at you. You are stronger, a little bit wiser, and more open-minded.

You are not everything that you thought you would be. However, you are everything you are meant to be, at this moment. I have to admit that your twenties are not what you were expecting. I wish I could tell you that they are absolutely glamorous and that people are as  mature as you thought they’d be. I was wrong.

If anything, the people around me are more childish than some of the actual children I know. But, maybe that’s just part of the package of growing up. You realize that everyone gets older, but not everyone matures. And that’s an honest truth about life.

You’re hopeful, though. You know that it’s better to be intuitive and to be true to your soul–whatever form that takes in reality. The outside world is scary, but you’ve always been up for a challenge. It’s the sweet taste of trying that gets you going.

Take care of yourself. You’re going to run into many nasty people over time, and you’re going to lose people that meant the world to you. And you have to bounce back. Because if you don’t, nobody can move on for you. You have to do it for your own good.

Open Letter Challenge: Day One: A Letter to S.O.

This one was interesting because it’s not just journaling. I found it on Pinterest. It’s the 30 Day Open Letter Challenge. The following posts will consist of letters that I may or may not share with the recipient someday. But here, I share them with you.

 

For this one, I do not currently have a significant other. But, if the world will have it, I would love to be able to give this letter to someone when the time is right. Here’s to hoping. Here’s to true love.

Day One: A Letter to Your Significant Other (Or Future S.O.)

 

Hello My Angel,

Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing me every day, every moment, in every and any scenario. I love the way that you hold me when I’m having a breakdown. I also just love the way that you hold me for the sake of holding me. There are many things that I love about you, but the most significant factor is your soul. I am grateful for your willingness to share your whole being with me.

I know I may be difficult at times. I am stubborn by nature, and I am quiet. But you are so patient with me. You have no idea how much I appreciate your kindness. I know that my family and friends took a little while to warm up to you, but I am so happy that they all love you now. You are one of us. You are…me. You are my other half, the part of me that I never had and was blessed enough to find.

I hope to wake up to you for the rest of forever and beyond. I want to hold your hand through everything. I want to continue being idiots–singing in the car and just being sarcastic with each other. I want to continue wearing matching outfits purely by coincidence. I want to continue loving you and feeling your love, not just towards me, but also towards the people important to us.

I am the luckiest person to have met you, and to have the chance to be yours. You don’t make me want to change because you accept me as I am, but also, you make me want to be a better version of myself. I enjoy growing with you and living life with you. You are my person, my everything.

Sincerely,

Your Love.

 

 

 

 

22 Things I’ve Learned by 22

[Photo: Me, surprisingly. Haha. ;)]

 

Hello, love. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. These types of list blogs have been circulating again, and I thought I’d do one. Let’s get started…

 

  1. Some individuals will come-and-go and then come back again. It may take a few days, or a few years. It’s up to you to figure out the importance of their presence in your life.
  2. You might think you’re not progressing because you’re not engaged or having babies or starting the career you want. But you need to remember that as long as you have goals and you’re getting up in the morning, you are making progress. Simply seeing what the day brings you is a step in the right direction.
  3. You will have fights with people that mean the world to you, if you haven’t already. Think about the situation and realize what these people really mean to you.
  4. Make mistakes. I don’t mean “cause hell to break loose” type mistakes. But, making mistakes means you’re trying things and that you’re breaking away from the safety of a routine. (And trust me, I am definitely pro-routine. I like predictability.)
  5. Going back to that predictability thing–let me mention that life is spontaneous without effort. Because everything that can happen is unknown to us, unless you’re the world’s greatest all-around psychic or the keeper of the universe, that is.
  6. It’s okay to be yourself. It’s okay to be a self-proclaimed Instagram baddie. It’s okay to be a girly-girl. It’s okay to be a man’s man. It’s okay to flow through life, constantly changing your style and your interests. What’s most important is that you respect others, and you respect your own damn self!
  7. At some point, you will have a mental and emotional breakdown that will be caused by the realization that everyone around you is “growing up” or “adulting” better than you are. It’s OKAY. You will get there, and chances are, you already are there. You just haven’t noticed.
  8. You’re not THAT old. You’re young. I’m young. Time moves forward really fast, and then really slow, and then really fast again. But it’s not about time; it’s about experiences and making the most of your passions.
  9. Have a go-to “going out” ensemble in your closet. Just have it, even if you’re a homebody like me. You never know. Make it fresh, cute, and comfortable for you.
  10. Make an effort to check up on people. Tone down the pettiness, if you must. (I’m still working on this, to be honest. I just can’t help it sometimes.)
  11. You will run into people younger than you who will annoy the hell out of you because they think they’re sooooo grownup. You will-as a young adult-look down upon hoards of preteens and high schoolers who think they know everything about adult life. (LOL, you thought, sweetheart.)
  12. Life after 18 is scary, and over the next few years, you will learn so much more about everything and everyone.
  13. Work on public speaking, even if it terrifies you. It will help with interviews, presentations, and even just everyday conversations.
  14. Do some soul searching. Whether that means traveling, journaling, or visiting all of the national amusement parks. Get to know yourself inside and out.
  15. Save a dollar a day. Do it.
  16. Invest in a mini handheld vacuum.
  17. Learn how to shake hands properly. None of that dainty bird-hand stuff. But also, don’t break anyone’s wrist.
  18. Learn how to make one really good meal–just for you, as well as on a bigger scale for hosting get-togethers.
  19. Be good to your skin. Let it breathe. Clean your beard. I don’t know–just be comfortable with a fresh face. (Coming from someone who personally loves makeup.)
  20. Try something that you would never try in a million years, as long as it’s not a danger to yourself. Not a nature person? Try a hike. You’ll hate it, but your calves with thank you. Don’t like books? Have a friend recommend one to you, and you read that damn story!
  21. Block out people who give you negative vibes. Learn to channel your intuition and follow it.
  22. Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s definitely hard, and I would know. But it serves you no good, and remember–everyone on your social media puts up a front in one way or another. Take more time to appreciate reality.

 

There would be more, but that would defeat the purpose of the whole 22 things by 22. Thank you for reading, lovely! 🙂

Yours truly, LittleMissHorovedy

 

The “Ex” Files: Friendzone

Over the past two years, I have shared posts about my first experience with love and heartbreak. I documented the good and the bad. From descriptions of our amazing memories to letters about his next girl.

It has been a little over a year and a half since my breakup with T. And well, we’re in contact again.

So, he may take another spot as a “first.” He was my first boyfriend, kiss, time, breakup…and now, will he be my first “ex turned friend?”

We hadn’t been in contact for the whole year and a half. However, we still had each other on social media. A few weeks ago, T posted something about not feeling right. He was very upset, and it broke my heart to read such an extensive post documenting his depressing thoughts.

I set aside my pride and messaged him. I couldn’t have forgiven myself if I hadn’t said anything. We ended up talking back-and-forth about nonsense and just catching up for a good four hours. And then we ended our little chat session and said our goodbyes.

A week passed, and he messaged me first. He claimed that I had made his day better when I contacted him the week before. So, we ended up chatting again.

We’ve been speaking every few days–usually on weekends. It’s all just been messages on social media. No texts–because I honestly feel like they don’t have my number anymore (understandable, of course).

I’m torn. A part of me does miss the way we were, and I know that living in the past is pointless. But I still love him. I always will, whether we’re together or not. And as of right now, I don’t think a relationship is what he needs. He’s not emotionally stable for that type of commitment. Plus, I feel like he only talks to me when he’s truly bored or lonely.

The other part of me is nagging me and telling me that maybe this whole thing is a mistake. The dynamic is different. He doesn’t seem to be showing signs of flirting at all, and I always feel the need to slap myself and convince myself that hoping for reconciliation is idiotic.

What does that leave? Well, it leaves us as acquaintances/exes who may potentially become friends. But we haven’t met up in person or anything. For all I know, our contact with each other could falter again.

It’s hard to love somebody that once claimed that they loved me. And it’s proving to be a bit harder to be friends with someone I still might be in love with.

But if there’s one thing I have realized, it’s that time changes everything.

Life’s Passing By

I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. I miss it. I miss writing and I miss you guys, my lovely readers.

It’s currently five in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I’m typing this on my phone, while I lie in bed, frustrated that I can’t shut my thoughts up.

I keep thinking about life and the people around me. How’s it going? Let me give you an update if you’ve got time to kill and want to read about a stranger’s life.

I turned 21 earlier in the year. I told myself I’d never try alcohol, but I did and I liked it. I also gambled for the first time (not my thing). I bought somewhat risque underwear for the first time–to be pretty for myself, thanks. Haha.

Why are these things important enough for me to mention? It’s because they’re things I never thought would tempt me. Time passes and you suddenly discover more parts of you.

On another note, I’m currently going into my last year of university, and I am extremely excited and afraid.

I want to graduate! Hell yes I’d love to have my degree so I can frame it and do a happy dance. But then…that means that I’d be forced into the world of adulthood with no school anymore–a routine that I’ve always known.

And I watch the people around me, and we’re all getting older. And that’s scary. The kids I used to babysit are taller than me, somewhat wiser than me, and overall just growing up.

The adults I have in my life are getting closer to leaving me–not to be morbid, just truthful. I wish they’d stay; sometimes I think the universe should have me go before they do. It would hurt too much to say goodbye.

Reality is scary, and every day, I realize more and more that I’m not a little kid who can bask in my fantasy world anymore. I’m becoming an adult.

Life passes by, and things change. And to be honest, none of us will ever be ready for these changes, no matter how prepared we try to be. It’s different when it all actually happens.

Dear Reader,

Let’s not be afraid of life. And even if we are, that’s okay. Just never give up.

Quote of the Day

“It’s not about who’s with you during your celebration. It’s about who’s with you when you hit rock bottom.”

Often times, we confuse the people who are genuinely supportive of us with the people who are only there when we are successful. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that there are people in my life who I deeply care for, but I know that they may never be one of those genuine individuals.

I feel as if there are many people in my life who are happy to be with me and who do want to see me succeed. However, when I’m feeling at my lowest–when I’m crying and breaking down and on the verge of questioning everything around me–there are only a select few who are willing to be there for me.

There are only a select few who have seen me at my worst and still treat me as if I am a strong human being who is worthy of being celebrated. These are the people who have shown me effort and they are whom I would do everything and anything for. These are the people I want to celebrate with if and when I reach my full potential.

So, by all means, collect experiences and accept many people into your life. But be aware of who is “real” and who is only there when it’s convenient and all seems right with your world. Cherish those who have seen you broken and still think you’re amazing.

Hurtful Words, Strong Girl

Many people are bullied or just randomly insulted for different things. For some, it’s their culture. For some, it’s their sexuality. For some, it’s their weight. Whatever it is, words hurt; they really do.

I was just overthinking, like I always do–and for some reason, all of these memories of insults flooded into my head. So naturally, I had to blog about it. The following is a list of some of the insults that have stuck with me all this time.

  1. You are so ungrateful.
  2. If I kicked you in the stomach, it wouldn’t even hurt. You’d just absorb it.
  3. You’ll find it very hard to find a man.
  4. You have no friends; I can see why.
  5. You should go on a water diet. [I was five when this was said to me.]
  6. You are so shy; it’s like talking to a wall.
  7. I’ve been called a frog, a pig, the Grinch.
  8. You weren’t thinking; you’re so stupid.
  9. You actually lost weight; you should be “depressed” more often.
  10. There’s no way you can fit through there. [Incident: These guys in middle school purposely blocked a walkway because they were convinced I couldn’t squeeze through.]–Quick history in case you’re interested: At my biggest, I was ten and four-foot-something and a size 18. Currently, I am a size 10/12 at twenty-one and five feet.

There’s certainly more, but those are the ones that jump out to me.

My appearance is not perfect. My personality has weaknesses. I have my insecurities, and I know that I am not the most gorgeous person out there.

Whatever the case, here’s some advice. Don’t be the asshole who says something so ignorant that your insult impacts somebody’s life so much that they start hating themselves. For each of the incidents listed, I remember the people who said those things to me and where it was said to me. Each memory is so vivid and ingrained in my subconscious.

I am not a hundred percent confident with myself–I’d be lying my heart out if I said I was. However, I think one of the most important lessons we can learn in this life is to accept ourselves. There is always room to improve, but we should be confident in who we are and who we strive to be.

Be a good person and for those who don’t accept you, walk away and know that you are amazing. You are worth so much, please just know that. Love yourself–that’s all that matters.

And a quick message to the people who have tried to tear me down: I am a much stronger girl now because of what you said or did to me.

To Those Who Have Come and Gone

Dear To Those Who Have Come and Gone,

I will never forget you. I am at a point in my life where I have realized that people leave. It’s the cycle of life, and some people just wander away from me. Just know that I am grateful for all of you.

For those who are still here, I hope you stay. However, if you wander too, just know that you will be added to the list of recipients for this letter.

Whether we went through many ups and downs or just a few events together, I am so honored that I had the chance of meeting all of you.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you are all happy. If not yet, I hope you find your happiness soon.

Love,

An Old Friend